LMNOP

Wherein I Spread Rumors of a Ms. Frizzle Biopic

Because I was at sea all last week, I am finding it impossible to get caught up on all the pop culture news I missed.  By my estimates, it would take me about 14 hours of research to obtain, at a satisfactory level of detail, the important information I missed while away.  And people, even I do not have 14 hours of free time in my day.

I decided the best thing to do would be to flip through a week's worth of "Star Tracks" photo galleries on People.com, but without actually stopping to read the captions.  Instead, I have pulled a handful of the photos and captioned them myself, giving my best guess as to what is going on in each photo.  Here's what I appear to have missed.

First up in celebrity news: Katie Holmes aged 10 years for every day I was away.

Meanwhile, after curing cancer, Kim Kardashian took a celebratory trip down a waterslide before returning to her laboratory to solve global hunger.

Elsewhere in Hollywood, Evan Rachel Wood began filming a Ms. Frizzle biopic.

Later, Kate Hudson morphed into Jennifer Lopez and then immediately started trying to punch her way out.

All the while, the Real Housewives of New Jersey continued to exist, thus allowing the sun to keep shining and the world to keep spinning.  (Thank you, ladies.  That shining sun really made the Bahamas excellent for me.)

In other news, something apparently happened to make it OK to wear his-and-hers Ugg boots.

And Mariah Carey continued to be a completely normal human.

Finally, Beyonce misread an invitation to perform at the Sydney Opera House and instead thought she was supposed to perform in a dress that resembled the Sydney Opera House.

I don't know about you, but I feel pretty caught up.  If you can think of anything I missed, please leave me the scoop via comment.

I Vaguely Remember Having a Blog Before I Went on Vacation

After seven long days without phone, Internet, or meals containing fewer than three courses--I'M BA-ACK!

The cruise was great, although if I had to characterize it in just one or two words I would forgo such obvious adjectives as "fun," "relaxing," and "sunburn-arific" and instead go with "completely dissociative."  If you have never been on a cruise, then I don't think I can fully describe the extent to which you become detached from your life at home.  The ship is your world, the people you are cruising with are all you know, and your daily schedule of "lie outside, eat to the point of vomiting, take a nap, eat to the point of vomiting, watch a show, dance, sleep" requires little variation.  By the end of the cruise, even your dreams take place on the ship.  That may sound boring, but as long as you like the people you're with, it's lots of fun--just completely all-consuming.

I have slowly begun to readjust to normal life, but it is harder than you would think.  For one, I have not broken out into organized dance in over 24 hours, which is really throwing me for a loop right now.  To give you an idea of how integral organized dance is to life on a ship, let me just say that I heard the Macarena, the Cha-Cha Slide, the Electric Slide, and the Conga all while I was waiting in line just to board.  From there on out, I would say I was involved in a minimum of eight organized dance experiences per day, four of which were usually the Cupid Shuffle.  (If you have never seen anyone do the Cupid Shuffle before, you should stop by my house tonight, because I now do this dance in my sleep.) 

Below, a picture of us dancing to "Jai Ho" (from Slumdog Millionaire) one night of dinner:

Besides being unable to cope with my suddenly dance-poor existence, I am also suffering from a deep aversion to performing the basic tasks necessary to take care of myself.  I am already pretty lazy when it comes to tasks like grocery shopping, cleaning, and laundry, but right now it's ridiculous.  Did I really take care of these things myself before a week ago?  Really?  Because right now I can only seem to remember a time where I would come home from having my dinner served to me to find that my bed had been made and a towel folded to look like a monkey had been placed upon it.  Turns out this is not so much the case at home.  If I want a towel folded like a monkey, I'm the one that's got to do it.

So, to recap: cruises are fun, and life after you've returned is strange and confusing.

Pardon My Tumbleweeds

Tomorrow I go on vacation, so please excuse this site as it becomes overrun with tall grass and weeds and cobwebs for next week or so.  I'll be back after the Fourth of July weekend, assuming I do not run away to become a cruise ship performer--which, quite honestly, is a strong possibility.  I have always been intrigued by career paths involving headset microphones.

See ya!

"Also, if you have any advice on registering the monkey"

Found this gem on Craigslist today (click to enlarge):

My first thought upon reading this was, "Weird." 

My second thought was, "Hey.  I'm a primate.  I'm disease-free, too.  This could be a great way to make $1000."

Nothing Like a Nice, Hip Marketing Campaign

Last week Pizza Hut announced that they will be taking their branding up a notch by pushing "The Hut" as their hip, cool nickname in order to appeal to a younger generation.  This does not mean they are completely rebranding, though--they still plan to be officially called Pizza Hut.  This is more of a marketing push.  As a spokesperson explains, "We think that 'The Hut' is to Pizza Hut as Coke is to Coca-Cola. We have begun using the term in conjunction with Pizza Hut in our advertising, pizza boxes and some restaurants."

So basically, Pizza Hut wants to give itself a nickname.  If you have ever spent any time in a college dormitory, you are thinking the exact same thing I am thinking right now: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T GIVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME.  If you try, it will just backfire, and instead of being known as "The Tank," you will be called something like "Colonoscopy Joe" as punishment.

Besides being completely inorganic and violating every rule in the Nicknames Acquisition Codebook, "The Hut" is also a stupid nickname.  Basically, the name "Pizza Hut" has two components: a word describing the product sold by the company, and a word describing a structure made of dirt and sticks.  Which seems more appropriate for spinning a nickname off of, you ask?  Answer:

Duh.

Well, Pizza Hut must at least have a good reason for wanting a nickname, right?  Back to our friendly spokesperson:

"And yes, we're also introducing another vocabulary word with Pizza Hut, which is 'The Hut.' That ties in nicely with [today's] texting generation. We wanted to make sure that Pizza Hut and 'The Hut' become common vernacular for our brand. Red is our mark and when you see that red roof, people will refer to it as 'The Hut' or 'Pizza Hut.' As we expand our online and mobile businesses, 'The Hut' is the perfect icon for our mobile generation."

Ah-ha!  We are appealing to THE YOUTH!  Of course!  With their text messages and their tight pants and emo haircuts!  Surely they will treat this marketing campaign with the same earnest, genuine acceptance they routinely demonstrate when confronted with corporate America's attempts to connect to them!  This can't not work!

Long live THE HUT!

Saturday Morning Pancake Breakfast: Mr. Smiley by the Bookcase with the Smiles

This Week in Internet: Mind Reading, Prairie Dogs, and More Canned Food Hell

Tiger Beat Heartthrobs Then & Now.  Holy crap, it has been about 14 years since the name "Devon Sawa" crossed my mind.

I want to get business cards like these, but instead they would say, "This certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me and that you found me slllllightly awkward."

Scientists are getting better and better at mind reading.  I might as well tell you my deepest, darkest secret now: I thought Spock was hot in the new Star Trek.

Turns out it is not, in fact, a good idea to set off fireworks in an Arby's bathroom.

Awesome link from Jerome.  I think it is safe to say that "Liz" has a stick up her ass.

Something about this particular Awkward Family Photo made me laugh so hard.  I think it is partly because the Dad looks EXACTLY like Charlie's teacher from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

6 Intriguingly-Shaped Communities, as seen on Google Maps

The 14 Strangest Canned Foods.  Warning: that horrible canned chicken makes an appearance.

Researchers say that it takes alcohol six minutes to go to your head.  Good to know.

Some sculptures made from toilet paper rolls.

Prairie dog containment FAIL (thx, Em)

I Couldn't Decide What to Name This Post

When you are extremely indecisive, tattoos are not an option.  I mean, come on: yesterday I looked at the giant soap refill bags at Target for 10 full minutes and then actually left empty-handed because I could not reassure myself that any of the available soap scents were ones I would like for as long as it would take to use up the bag.  So permanent ink on my body is not really within the realm of possibility.  Bumper stickers are the same way; I just cannot commit to a particular cause on such a long-term basis that I would adhere something to my car over it.  (OMG, WHAT IF I WAKE UP TOMORROW AND I DON'T WANT TO COEXIST ANYMORE???) 

Until now.  These bumper stickers are awesome.

And my personal favorite:

Finally, bumper stickers I can live with.  Now let's just hope I get the soap issue solved in the next couple days.

Passing This On Without Comment

Do Not Dismiss Doggie Birthday Parties as Uncool Until You See the Video at the End of This Post

As I may have possibly mentioned jusssst a couple times here, Pancake's birthday was Sunday.  Several fabulous dogs were in attendance, including:

Riley!

Sammy!

And Coco!

There were also humans present.

There was ALSO a cake, frosted by yours truly, (in case you didn't recognize my distinctive artistic style).

Pancake also danced for us, with a little help from Mike (and vocal backup from Kelly).

This was all leading up to the grand finale, of course, which was when I gave Pancake his new car:

Just kidding.  Probably.

All in all, it was a pretty great doggie birthday party.  If you want to see a few more pictures, there's a set here.